Helping you get from where you are,
to where you want to be...
Resume Company
Badass
© 2022 | Badass Resume Company | Privacy Policy | Terms and Conditions
Good day,
I have a war to attend to, so I will keep this brief. I am Alexander, King of Macedon. My resume is outdated and I need you to prepare a new one by the coming moon. My accomplishments speak for themselves, so please keep it brief. Do this for me, and I will have an emissary rain gold upon you.
Alexander
Unstoppable ruler of Macedon driven by insatiable visions of glory. Ambitious military strategist determined to conquer the known world. Charismatic leader with a strong appetite for wisdom, literature and truth.
King of Macedon
Ai-Khanoum | Alexandria Arachosia | Alexandria Ariana | Alexandria Bucephalous | Alexandria in Orietai | Alexandria Carmania | Alexandria Eschate | Alexandria on the Caucasus | Alexandria on the Indus | Alexandria Troas | Alinda | Cebrene | Charax Spasinu | Ghazni | Iskandariya | Iskenderun | Merv
“It was my destiny to conquer Persia, so I did.”
I am Thoth,
After eons of wandering the stars in search of truth, I have decided to reenter the workforce. My resume has not been updated in a little over seven thousand years. Can you design one that speaks to the humans in a way they can understand? My talents are best suited for communication in the spirit realm, but I need to present myself in a way that’s more down to earth. Do not misunderstand, I want my future employers to be fully aware of my stellar qualifications, but I don’t want to come across as a nebula-munching jag-off.
Thoth the Atlantean
Born out of star-stuff, I, Thoth the Atlantean continue to honor my cosmic roots. My loyalties show no preference to either man or god, making me an excellent candidate for diplomatic and judicial work. Currently, I am seeking employment in the fields of law, counseling and social services.
2561 BC – Present | Self-employed | Counselor
Responsibilities: Acting as advisor to the gods, arbitrating heavenly disputes, drawing on eons of wisdom to establish a clear line of communication between the mortal realm and the world of spirits. Notable clients included Horus, the sun god Ra and Osiris.
2557 BC – 2560 BC | Egyptian Pantheon | Deity
Responsibilities: Maintaining the universe and leading humanity down the middle path. Allowing neither good nor evil to gain an unfair advantage over the other.
2554 BC – 2557 BC | Ra’s Boat | Greeter
Responsibilities: Ensuring the continued progression of day and night. Fixing mechanical issues and maintaining a clean, hospitable environment on Ra’s boat. Managing the logistics of a non-profit and promoting positive relations between the sun and the moon.
Hi hi,
My bestie Gaia told me you wrote a really great resume for her! Thanks to you, she landed a job at the World Wildlife Fund last week and told me I should apply too. Can you put together a resume for me as well? I’d like to send it in by Monday, so within a day or two would be great! I’m attaching my work history and some additional info to work with. Let me know if you need anything else. Thanks!
Your friend,
Artemis
Resourceful, self-motivated Goddess of the Mountain specializing in archery, forestry, tracking, trapping and other hunting activities. Inspired go-getter extensively trained in wilderness survival and navigation. Deeply rooted in a philosophy of respect towards nature and one’s own limitless capacity for self-expression.
Artemis & the Wolf NGO • Founder • 2100 BC to Present
Gaia’s Tavern & Ski Resort • Rescue Ranger • 2304 BC to 2100 BC
Jack’s Bait Shop • Floor Manager • 2307 BC to 2304 BC
Hello,
Can you look over my work history and qualifications and draft up a resume that’s a bit more exciting? I want to stand out within the scientific community, but these days they hand out nobel prizes like petri dishes in a freshman biology class. My goal is to reenter the workforce with a resume that will distinguish me as the greatest chemist of all time. I trust that you’ll know what to do with my extensive work history.
Thank you,
Marie
Results-driven researcher with an unshakable passion for making revolutionary discoveries in the fields of chemistry and physics. Loving mother of two with a flair for interpersonal communications, leadership and education. Ambitious self-starter known to set bold precedents within the scientific community. Currently seeking employment as a researcher.
The Isotopic Elements and Isotopes | The Discovery of Radium | Pierre Curie | Radioactive Substances | Life is Not Easy, So What? | Radiology in War
Red Cross Radiology Service
Director | 1914 – 1918
Société D’encouragement Pour L’industrie Nationale
Commissioned Researcher | 1894 – 1897
Greetings,
I am Aristotle of the Lyceum. Just this morning, I witnessed a local bard singing songs in praise of your company. I was graced with the most remarkable tale of cause and effect. It seems you helped our fellow bard find employment as an office clerk some months ago. He saved his weekly gold and purchased the most beautiful lute I have ever seen. Now he has quite the following! Sign me up. I don’t want anything visually overwhelming, so let the words stand unobscured by trivial decoration.
Peace be with you,
Aristotle
Eccentric polymath specializing in a plethora of subjects representing a broad, all-inclusive conception of reality. Renowned scholar, philosopher and natural scientist committed to cultivating wisdom, discovering the unfathomable truths of the universe and inspiring meaningful questions.
Categories, On Interpretation, Prior Analytics, Posterior Analytics, Topics, On Sophistical Refutations, On Generation and Corruption, On Sleep and Wakefulness, Physics, Metaphysics, Nicomachean Ethics, Politics, Sophist De Anima (On the Soul) and Poetics
Plato’s Academy in Athens | 328 BC – 347 BC | General Wisdom
Areas of Study
Physical: anatomy, biology, astronomy, embryology, geography, geology, meteorology, physics and zoology
Non-Physical: aesthetics, ethics, government, metaphysics, politics, economics, psychology, logic, rhetoric, linguistics, theology, education, foreign customs, literature, music and poetry
Good evening,
Glad I found you! Can you please take a look at my resume? I did the best I could, but sending out applications is worse than wandering through the desert. I’m looking for something personal and elegant, a humble approach that helps convey my sensitive side. Mostly I’m applying for philanthropic work, non-profits and such so I feel it’s best to communicate in a friendly and thoughtful manner.
Cheers,
J. Christ
Accomplished carpenter with an independent spirit and free-thinking attitude of gratitude. Notable talents include small to mid-sized group leadership (up to 13 members), an ability to sacrifice personal desires for the well-being of the team, and resurrection (3-day lag time). Participated in a number of miracles regarding: suspended solids, optics, agricultural engineering, medicine, bioengineering and marine life sanctuaries.
34 BC to 0 AD | CEO at JC LLC
Responsibilities: Leading a team of 13 apostles into an age of self-empowerment, handling bureaucratic resistance and acting as company spokesman, organizing teams of specialists to promote new product ideas, logistics, operations, inventory, small-business direction and corporate branding identity.
38 BC to 34 BC | Manager at Starbucks of Nazareth
Responsibilities: Training new hires to brew random ales, handling merchant disputes, resolving customer claims, managing social media relations and responding to complaints in a timely manner.
41 BC to 38 BC | Internship at Mary’s Woodshop
Responsibilities: Fetching timber from the local woodcutters, sanding various types of furniture, customer relations, assisting the master carpenter with odd jobs and daily chores, negotiating prices with local merchants, organizing and distributing flyers for seasonal promotions.
42 BC | Bethlehem Community College in Judea | B.S. in Woodworking & Carpentry
37 BC | University of Nazareth | M.A. in Sociology
Bonjour,
My name is Jeanne d’Arc. You can call me Joan. As you may have heard, the French war has come to an end. Since then, I have had a difficult time finding employment. I heard about your “Badass Resume Company” from my friend, Aimeric d’Assisi. He claims you have a way with words… Attached is a list of qualifications. I would especially like to emphasize my fearless warrior spirit and let the blood of my enemies serve as a bitter reminder to future employers that I am not a woman to be trifled with.
Thanks again and may God be with you,
Jeanne
Visionary Strategist and Leader — Charismatic self-starter driven by a deep-seeded mission from God. Hard-hitting activist committed to spreading the light of the eternal spirit despite the challenges of war. Passionately devoted to the salvation, security and strength of France.
Dear Badass Resume Company,
I am Gaia, bringer of life, guardian of the seed. Can you create a unique resume that speaks to my love of nature and the limitlessness of being? I’m not sure how to visualize it, but one of my favorite things is to feel the trees burrow their roots deep into my mantel on a starry night. The writing could use some work, so feel free to rearrange everything as you see fit! Please bring my resume to life as I do for every seedling that finds refuge on my mossy surface.
Thanks,
Gaia
Charismatic, self-reliant goddess with a passion for sustainable agriculture and environmentalism. Sublime interpersonal skills and a larger than life attitude characterized by excellence in the workplace. Extensive knowledge of flora, fauna and natural phenomena including fluid mechanics, tectonics and seismology. Powerful, imaginative and cool under pressure.
Botany | Climate Change | Forestry and Conservation | Planetary Alignment | Civil Engineering
Earth | Guardian | 332 BC to Present
Responsibilities include: Revitalizing expansive territories of nutritionally deficient soil. Organizing large-scale natural disasters to counteract the proliferation of humans. Combating rampant deforestation and managing carbon levels in the environment. Generating and sustaining energetic impulses that guide the human race along their evolutionary journey.
Earth | Liaison | 4.53 billion BC to 3100 BC
Responsibilities included: Creating the Titans, Primordial and Chthonic deities. Acting as mediator between the gods and the newly formed race of Humans. Ensuring the survival, well-being and comfort of all living creatures under my care. Maintaining balance within the ecosystem and harmony among all living beings.
Earth | Founder | 4.58 billion BC to 4.53 billion BC
Responsibilities included: Organizing primordial matter into recognizable forms. Working extensively in a timeless void to seed the basic ingredients of life. Creating stable rock formations using the gradual movement of water. Maintaining overall cleanliness and organization in the workplace.
Beta 5 Star System College
B.A. in Liberal Arts | Minor in Social Services